Nobody is perfect!
When people hurt us, we often feel the urge to get even. And when they hurt us grievously, we feel we have a right to get even.
However, the right to get even has the wrong effect of filling us with resentment, anger and vengefulness. And through all that pent-up negativity, we hurt ourselves, possibly more than what they have hurt us.
Moreover, even if we succeed in getting even, the relief we get is meagre and short-lived. Why? Because vengefulness becomes a habit. Our mind soon finds some other wrong for which to get even. And this sequence of finding wrongs and getting even goes on lifelong, lifetime after lifetime.
The way out of this trap is “forgiveness”.
Forgiveness is hard for most of us (trust me it’s just like we think that we will forgive him/her/them but reality is different), but it’s harder for some than others. When we’ve been harmed in some way (physically, emotionally, or let’s say both) we tend to carry the pain around with us. Anger and resentment are natural responses to being hurt, of course and the longer or more severe the wounding, the more likely we are to feel those feelings for a long time.
What we usually want (or we actually think we want) is for the person who did the hurting to acknowledge our pain. We want them to fully understand what we feel (but we only wish for the same), to know the impact of their words (or let’s say actions too). And we want an apology as proof that the person not only gets, but also regrets, what they’ve said or done to us. Some of us will hold onto our anger and resentment indefinitely, waiting for that all-important apology to come before we even consider the idea of forgiveness. But if we value our own well-being, we may want to rethink that order.
You don’t have to wait for an apology (even an acknowledgement) in order to forgive. And in fact, we shouldn’t.
To fully understand why that is, we need to understand what forgiveness actually is. And in order to understand what forgiveness is, it’s helpful to clarify what it isn’t (here we go with that tough task, but let me thank coffee and art who always helps me to rethink all the situations to find the path).
Forgiving someone is not the same as making up with them.
Forgiveness is not reconciliation.
Forgiveness doesn’t require justice to be done or apologies to be offered.
Forgiveness isn’t an external action, but rather an internal state of letting go of anger and resentment. It’s saying, “I’m no longer going to allow you and the hurt you’ve caused me keeps me in a state of unhappiness.” It’s something you do for yourself, not for the person who hurt you.
Think about it. Who is that anger and resentment hurting the most? Who is having their life disrupted by it? Who is having to deal with it day in and day out? You, right? Not the person who hurt you. You.
And there are real physical effects of holding onto those emotions. Chronic anger impacts your heart rate, blood pressure, and immune system, which increases your risk of chronic disease.
Forgiveness has the opposite effect.
And it doesn’t mean just saying that you forgive the person. Again, forgiveness is an internal act of releasing anger, frustration, disappointment, and resentment. It is an active process in which you make a conscious decision to let go of negative feelings whether the person deserves it or not.
That’s why an apology isn’t necessary in order to practice forgiveness. We have to let go of the idea that forgiveness means telling someone what they did is okay or that they are somehow being let off the hook. It doesn’t. It means telling yourself that whatever the person did to you isn’t going to keep you in a state of bitterness. It’s making the choice to stop allowing your own anger to keep hurting you.
Sometimes forgiveness can lead to empathy and compassion for the person who hurt you, but it doesn’t have to. Some kinds of harm are impossible to empathize with, but that doesn’t mean they make forgiveness impossible.
So if you’ve been waiting on an apology, try forgiveness first. While it’s easier said than done, letting go can be incredibly freeing, and good for both your health (mental and physical).